The Truth or Truth Amusement
by April in Paris
Summary: Wine is drank, a game is played, Sex and the City is discussed, secrets are shared, lessons are learned. It must be Girls Night! Rated M for language and subject matter.


_**AN: This one-shot takes places firmly in my Shamyverse (thank you to the guest reviewer who gave me that word!), so if you're not caught up on at least the Book Club you probably won't understand this story.**_

_**Enjoy!**_

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**The Truth or Truth Amusement**

Amy knocked on Bernadette's door and was immediately answered with a pair of voices yelling, "Come in!"

She walked in to see Bernadette and Penny already with a wine glass in their hands.

"Sorry I'm late. Things were crazy in the lab. And then I made Sheldon drive because he's my designated driver, and you know he drives like an old woman," she explained.

"I still can't believe he's driving," Penny murmured.

"It's okay. This was last minute. Thank you, by the way," Bernadette answered.

"Thank me for what?" Amy sat down and tried to gauge how much wine her friends had already drank. Penny's cheeks were flushed.

"You are much a better liar than Sheldon," was all Bernadette said.

"Yes, I am. But I really don't know to what you are referring." Honestly, were they drunk already? She had no idea what Bernadette was talking about. Hmmm, her eyes were a little sparkly.

Bernadette put her hand up by her mouth and stage whispered to Penny. "She doesn't want us to know it was her idea. Even the part about Jacob."

What was her idea? And what about Bernadette and Howard's son? Speaking of, where was he? Asleep in the bedroom? Amy poured herself a glass of wine, noticing how little was left in the bottle. "Huh?"

"It's okay. Sheldon's not here. We all know he's a horrible liar, so we all know the truth." Then Bernadette turned to play whisper at Penny again. "Sheldon suggested to Howard this morning that he bring Jacob to the comic book store tonight so that we could have just girl time. Something about male bonding and bright colors being visually stimulating to the brain. See, clearly Amy's doing."

In fact, this was not Amy's doing all at. This is the first she had heard this story. Had Sheldon really suggested being in the same room as the baby? Had Sheldon really suggested a drunken Girls Night? Had all their gossiping about their friends before bed really sunk in, and had Sheldon really suggested something nice for her stressed-out girlfriends? His friends must have assumed his strange and thoughtful suggestion was a sign of lying. This did, however, explain Bernadette's already drunken state; she never allowed herself to get drunk with the baby around.

"It wasn't my doing," Amy said. "Honestly, this is the first I've heard of it. But Sheldon isn't just the most brilliant mind of our generation, you know. Or the handsomest. He's also very considerate."

Penny and Bernadette just looked at her.

"Well, he is," Amy huffed.

"Oh, oh, before I forget," Penny sat up straighter. "I was finally able to get tickets for everyone to the premier this weekend."

"Yeah!" Amy and Bernadette cheered. Amy added, "Penny, we're so happy and excited for you. Even Sheldon."

"Thanks. I thought doing a Syfy movie of week was kind of lame, honestly, but I can't believe how excited the guys are. Leonard acts like it's better than Shakespeare. I can't imagine how thrilled he'd be if I were in a _Star Trek _movie."

"If I were ever in a _Star Trek _movie, I'm pretty sure Sheldon would have sex with me on the red carpet," Amy said.

"Annnnnd thanks for ruining any red carpet in my future with that mental image," Penny answered. Amy narrowed her eyes at her slightly.

"Wait, there's a red carpet this weekend? Do we get to watch you on it?" Bernadette asked.

"No. It's a Syfy movie. There's just two plain viewing rooms. Which, sorry, guys, your tickets are for the overflow room."

"Aw," Amy moaned. "I was hoping we could all sit together."

"Well, if Leonard keeps it up, I just might kick him to the overflow room and let one of you come sit by me."

"Me, me, me!" Amy said.

"Is he still mad about your name in the credits?" Bernadette asked.

"Yes. He's driving me crazy. Like it's a personal insult. No matter how many times I try to explain to him that it's how I'm registered with SAG and what a pain it would be to change it, he still brings it up. I even try pointing out to him that if my maiden name is my stage name and Penny Hofstedder is my real name, we might have more privacy if I get famous. But, no, he just pouts."

The name debate had been raging for months with various levels of intensity. Amy had heard both sides several times, although Leonard's mostly via Sheldon, but she still didn't understand it entirely.

"Men are such babies about their names. You should have heard Howie when I told him I was going to hyphenate my name. And, literally, the second thing he said after I told him I was pregnant was that the baby would have his last name, no hyphen." Bernadette opened another bottle of wine. "What about you Amy? What did Sheldon say when you told him you weren't changing your name?"

"It never came up." Amy took a big drink of wine to hide her discomfort. Not that she was embarrassed by her name, at all. But because she couldn't commiserate with the girls on this.

"Seriously? There wasn't a flow chart or something?" Penny asked.

"No, there wasn't a flow chart. And it's called a Decision Analysis," Amy answered. "I guess we just both assumed it didn't matter. Plus, I like being Dr. Fowler, and he likes being Dr. Cooper; we like calling each other that. It's just the way it is."

"Oh, God, you call each other that in bed, don't you?" Bernadette said.

_You have no idea how hot it is._ Instead, Amy answered with a straight face, "I have no idea what you mean."

"Jesus, you do," Penny moaned and threw her head back. Then she put it back up. "I have an idea."

Oh no. Penny was clearly fully drunk now. And she had an idea. This could be bad.

"Let's play Truth or Dare!" she said, too brightly.

"I don't know," Bernadette said. "What would we dare each other to do?"

"Harmless lesbianism?" Amy suggested. She had a bad feeling about this, and she thought if she threw out the most uncomfortable suggestion it would fizzle. Bernadette wasn't as drunk as Penny, she would be on her side.

"Actually, at this point, I'm really starting to understand lesbians," Bernadette answered. Amy swiveled her head to look at her petite friend in surprise. She was apparently trashed, too.

"Okay, let's just make it Truth or Truth," Penny said.

"I'm not sure this a good idea," Amy said. Honestly, how many bottles of wine did they drink before she got here?

"Come on, Ames! Sheldon married you and then you just clammed up on us. We want to know all your deep, dark sexual secrets," Penny begged.

"Uh, I'm pretty sure Sheldon made it clear sex would not be discussed," Amy was regretting that she'd already had a glass of wine herself.

"That's not true. I remember he said he would never talk about it. Not that you wouldn't," Bernadette added. "Are you going to let your husband control you like that?"

"Sheldon does not control me! I will talk about whatever I want."

"Then let's talk about it!" Penny said. "Unless, of course, you don't want to talk about it -"

"I don't."

"- because it's embarrassingly bad," Penny finished in triumph.

"I'm leaving," Amy got up. She did not know exactly how this plan was going to work. Sheldon would be unhappy she made him leave the comic book store early, but she wasn't going to stay here and take abuse from her drunk and possibly depressed friends.

"Wait, wait, wait," Penny said. "I'm sorry, Amy. I didn't mean it."

"Yes, please stay. I'm sorry, too," Bernadette added.

Amy looked back and forth between their faces. She let out a deep breath. They really did look contrite. The whole point of this evening is that they were both overwhelmed with their recent life events, and they just needed to let off steam. That's what she had been telling Sheldon.

She sat back down. "Alright."

Maybe it was the wine, but she actually did want to talk about sex. What Penny said was true. Once she and Sheldon had officially started making out, she didn't bring it up anymore. Because she didn't want to offend him or betray him in any way. Sex was mentioned and alluded to, of course, but never discussed in detail. But now she felt the need to defend him. And what Bernadette said was true, too; it was Sheldon who said he would never talk about it again, not her.

Plus, every time she had watched _Sex and The City_ since Penny introduced her to it, she had some sort of girl fantasy of them all sitting around discussing sex as if it were as routine as the weather, being free and open and cosmopolitan. She would be Miranda (the smartest one), Penny would be Carrie (the artistic one), and Bernadette would Charlotte (the shortest one). She never saw any of them as Samantha.

She also hoped they were so drunk they wouldn't remember this tomorrow.

"Okay. Truth or Truth. We need ground rules," Amy said. "First, there is a very strict code of silence. Seriously. We cannot discuss this with our husbands. Second, you can always refuse to answer a question."

"So we're doing this?" Bernadette asked.

"Oh, yea, it's on," Penny put her glass up. "To Truth or Truth and the code of silence."

"To the sisterhood of . . . something!" Bernadette cheered. The three of them toasted.

"I think that we should let Amy ask first," Penny said. She and Bernadette turned to look at Amy, expectantly.

Oh, no. She was going to need more wine. Why did she agree to this again?

"Uh, uh, um, uh . . . blow jobs?" Amy could feel her face burning red hot. Why had she said that?

"Wow, diving right in there, Amy," Bernadette said.

"That's what she said!" Penny laughed.

Then Bernadette and Amy started laughing too, and it was a great, full laugh. Tension floated away with the laughter.

"Okay, okay, I'll answer," Penny wiped her eyes. "Blow jobs are currency. You give them for what you can get back in return, if you know what I mean. I don't mind."

"Ugh. I didn't use to mind. But the other night Howie actually had the nerve to suggest that if I was too tired for sex I should just do that instead! As if that's less work! I told him breast-feeding hormones where making my TMJ flare-up."

"You have TMJ?" Amy asked.

"I've never had it a day in my life. But the word breast-feeding is an instant turn off," Bernadette explained.

For the second time, her two friends turned to look at her, waiting on her to speak. Amy flushed again. "I asked the question, that doesn't mean I have to answer it."

"Ah, it's okay, sweetie. You'll get there. In like five years. Once Sheldon has adjusted to being naked in the same room as you. Hopefully, he'll be man enough to return the favor." Penny leaned in closer. "Practice on a popsicle."

Oh! Penny thought . . . It occurred to Amy that maybe should get out of their little game relatively unscathed.

"Wait, he is naked, right? He's not one of those weirdos who tries to leave everything on, is?" Penny asked.

"Yes, he's naked," Amy snapped back.

"My turn!" Bernadette said. "Orgasms."

"What about them?" asked Amy.

"Do you have them?"

"Always, sometimes twice," she answered matter-of-factly. "Sheldon has mastered the art of manual stimulation."

Penny choked a little on her wine.

"Oh. It's just . . . it's just . . . I used to have them almost always, too. But not since," Bernadette shrugged, "the baby. Not that we're tried very much, to be honest."

"Biologically speaking, I think that's very normal, Bernadette," Amy offered. "You need to find out how your body has changed. Your estrogen levels have dropped because -"

"I know all that, but it doesn't make it easier."

Amy reached over to put her hand over Bernadette's. Well, this wasn't all fun and games, was it?

"If it makes you feel better, last time we had sex I only came half-way," Penny volunteered.

"Half-way?" Amy and Bernadette asked in unison.

"Yea, you know. We you feel it starting but then . . . okay, sometimes, not often, he has an asthma attack in the middle. We have to stop."

"Thanks, guys. I know you're trying to cheer me up. It will be okay. It's not like you can be going at it like you did when you first started," Bernadette said.

"Exactly," Amy said. "I mean Sheldon and I have only been doing this fourteen months now, and our average has already lowered to four times a week."

"Four times a week!" Penny yelled.

"Yes, four."

"Bernadette, don't listen to her. You've been with Howard for years," Penny said.

"What? What did I say?" Amy asked, furrowing her brow.

"So it is four times a week because of some schedule?" Penny asked.

"No, we don't have a schedule. Why do you think everything we do requires a visual aid? A schedule kills the mood."

"So you and Sheldon are having sex four times week just because you're in the mood?" Bernadette asked.

"Why else would we be doing it?" Amy looked back and forth between Penny and Bernadette in confusion. What was that look on their faces? _Oh!, _Amy thought, _Maybe I am Samantha, after all!_

Should she apologize? She didn't feel like apologizing, she had nothing to apologize for. She didn't even feel guilty. She just felt . . . like a lucky sex goddess.

"Okay, then. I'll ask what I've been dying to know," Penny said. "Amy, when did you and Sheldon first do it?"

This is what Penny has been dying to know? Not something deeper and darker as she said?

"I think," Penny continued, "you were doing it for a while, like maybe when you moved in. You were so insistent about moving in even though we thought it was weird to move in as roommates. But Leonard thinks you didn't do it until maybe even that night you got married. No matter what Sheldon said."

Amy furrowed her brow. Did they not already discuss what a horrible liar Sheldon is? "It was Valentine's Day."

Bernadette squealed in laughter. "That is the best! Why to go, Amy! Bring him to his knees on the day he hates!"

Samantha-esque pride swelled in Amy's chest again.

And then Penny burst it. "Was it awful?" She put her hand in a pre-defensive way. "Because mine was. Don't ever do it in the cab of a pick-up truck after a high school football game."

"Un, no, actually. It was perfect." Because it was.

"Seriously? You can tell us," Bernadette said. "My first time wasn't awful; it was okay, I guess. He'd done it before. But the next guy I dated in grad school was a virgin. The first time was horrible. It felt like I'd been stung by a big bee. Lasted about as long, too."

Amy thought back. It was fast. It was awkward. Sheldon fumbled. It was uncomfortable at first. But, no . . . "It was perfect. It was everything I wanted it to be. That's the truth."

"Ohh," Penny and Bernadette said. They both looked down and took drinks of their wine.

Amy opened another bottle of wine. She wondered what to say. She was hopeful the silence just meant her friends' drunkenness had entered the maudlin stage.

"Let me say this, and then we can talk about something else. My lady parts are very satisfied. Every single one of them. I don't understand why that's surprising. Sheldon is clearly a god among men. Why wouldn't I want to be naked with him four times a week? However, my marriage is not objectively perfect. No marriage is perfect. True, we don't fight about my last name or whose turn it is to change a diaper, but we do argue. The reason my first time with Sheldon was perfect is because I loved him and he loved me." Penny and Bernadette were watching her, eagerly. "Being married to Sheldon is very difficult. I'm sure you can understand that." They both nodded. "I would imagine, though, that being married to anyone is difficult."

She turned toward Penny. "Have you seen the way Leonard lights up every single time you walk into a room, and he doesn't care who sees it? Have you noticed that he always wants to put his arms around you? You even bought a chair for your living room big enough you can both sit in it. If Sheldon started to cuddle with me in front of all of you, I'd have a heart attack."

Then she turned to Bernadette. "Have you forgotten how funny Howard is, don't you notice how much you laugh around him? Do you have any idea what a wonderful father he is? I've never seen a man so crazy about their baby. I'm not sure I'll ever get to be a mother, because I'm not sure Sheldon will ever be ready to be a father.

"The point is we've chosen them, despite their faults, and they've chosen us, despite ours. Our marriages can only be perfect on a subjective level, when we realize the faults and the effort are what make it perfect."

Her girlfriends were staring at her, open mouthed. She felt slightly embarrassed. Where did that speech come from? It didn't matter, really; it was the truth.

"Penny, what sort of attire is appropriate for the overflow room? Other than a tiara, of course." And she poured more wine.

By the time the boys arrived, Bernadette was asleep on one end of the sofa, softly snoring, and Penny on the other. Amy was sitting in a chair, reading the latest issue of Bernadette's _InStyle_ magazine and drinking water. She had already texted Sheldon that they needed to be quiet when they returned, that Bernadette was asleep.

As the three of them entered the apartment, Howard with the car seat, they all looked around.

"Wow, what happened here?" Howard whispered.

Amy stood and shrugged.

"Are those four empty bottles of wine?" Leonard asked. "We were gone less than two hours."

"Yes," Amy answered. "Do you need help with Penny?"

"No, I've got her." Leonard when to put his wife's arm around his shoulder, and she woke as he pulled her up.

"Mmmmm, Leonard," she slurred into his chest. "Do you know you light up like a Christmas tree? My Christmas tree."

Sheldon looked over at Amy and raised an eyebrow.

"You don't want to know," she said.

XXX

If Amy were to make a list of the top five things that annoyed her the most about Sheldon, his driving would certainly be included. And it wasn't just the driving itself, which was almost unendurable, but also his Pre-Driving Check List (this, like so many things with him, was said using capital letters). It was exhaustive and overly complicated, and it made her shoulders tighten with tension like few other things. She was positive there had been fewer items on Howard's pre-flight check list into space. _Why is he checking the mirrors again? And adjusting the seat? He drove here, shouldn__'__t they be in the same position?_

However, she always bit her tongue almost to the point of drawing blood. After all, he had only started driving because she insisted upon it, and he rarely complained about it.

That night, though, sitting through his ritual in the parking lot of Bernadette's apartment building, Amy wasn't biting her tongue. She supposed it could have been the wine relaxing her, but her thoughts were also in a jumble. Despite the moments of tension, she had enjoyed herself with the girls, and they ended up laughing hysterically while watching some show Penny suggested called _America__'__s Top Model._ She knew, truly knew, that all three of them were happy in their marriages, and that complaining was only a necessary psychological function to maintain an equilibrium of emotions. Not being naive, she knew that someday something would probably happen that would make her marriage seem . . . exhaustive.

But watching Sheldon's long fingers finally reach for the key in the ignition (_he has such beautiful hands! and so android . . . no, I mean adroit_), she felt that everything with him was so . . . easy. _No, that's not right; the alcohol was making it hard to find the right words__._ As she had said, being married to Sheldon could be difficult. Loving Sheldon, though, was . . . natural. _Yes, that's it. _It was as it was meant to be.

"Sheldon, wait." She put her hand over his.

He looked over at her and she leaned toward him with difficulty because of the seat belt and kissed him gently on the lips. Except it landed on the corner of his mouth.

"Amy, we're in public." But he said it softly.

"Shhhh," she put her fingers over his lips. "I want to tell you something. I don't need you to light up like a Christmas tree. I don't need you to be a comedian. I just need you to be you. Also, you're very good in bed."

"Those things have nothing to do with each other. I think you're drunk."

"Maybe. But not too drunk to rip your clothes off when we get home. Now drive."

She leaned back in her seat to enjoy the ride, albeit at seven miles an hour under the speed limit.

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_**Thank you for your reviews! And I huge thank you to my friend Melissa, who beta read this and reassured me it wasn't too raunchy {crosses fingers}.**_


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